Friday, April 3, 2009

Family Legends: The Scotty and the Toaster















My cousins Dot and Ed…
were fond of ‘doggies’…
they had a small
canine buddy living
as a member of
their household
since their marriage…

their preference
were Scotties…
cute, black and white
animals that looked
like hairy animations
with whisk brooms
for faces…

Dot and Ed treated
all their doggies
as lovingly
and as dotingly
as they did their
own children…
the animals were
bright and quite active
and a delight to watch…
they spent many
hours chuckling over
the antics of their
current family friend…

the dogs had the run
of the house…
they slept on couches,
beds, chairs, or
wherever they
wanted…
they owned the place…

one morning…
as the story goes…
Dot and Ed were
sitting at the breakfast
table with my mom…
sharing coffee
and English Muffins…
the conversation was
light as they tried
to wake up and face
the new day…

at one of those
momentary lapses
that occur in such
conversation…
their Scotty…
named MacGregor…
ran into the kitchen
sniffing frantically
from person to person…
spinning circles
about the kitchen floor
like a shaggy
whirling Dervish…

Dot got up
and carried her
cup and saucer
to the sink
and rinsed it…
the dog was darting
in and out of her
feet as she walked,
but she ignored
him listening to
what mom and Ed
were talking about…

as Dot sat back down
the dog ran over
to a kitchen step stool…
it climbed quickly
to steps and jumped
on a low cabinet…
then onto the kitchen desk…
and finally onto the
kitchen counter…

the dog had the run of
the house, it was true,
but this was a bit much
for even Dot’s standards…
as they sat starring
at the dog, it stood starring
back at them…

Dot said, sternly,
‘Mac, get down off there
this very moment!!’…
the dog didn’t move….
She added,
‘you’ll be sorry if you
don’t get your hairy
little butt off that
counter right now!!’
the dog cocked its head…
stared at her blankly…

then in a move that
the dog would remember
for the rest of it’s doggie life…
it showed it’s defiance
by running up to the
shiny chrome toaster
that sat on the kitchen counter…
cocked his back leg
in that familiar doggie salute…
and let go an arcing
yellow stream
right into
the open slots
of the toaster…
an electric toaster
that happened to be
plugged in and fully
functional…

there was an instant flash…
and old Mac was
shot off the counter
and onto the floor
by the sudden introduction
of AC current to his
little doggie member…
the dog howled
in sheer terror and pain
as it scrambled to gain a foot
hold on the tile floor…
peeing uncontrollably…
it rocketed off
into distant rooms of
the house…
howling all the way…

it happened so fast that
the three at the breakfast table
were stunned…
looking at each other…
thinking about what
had just happened while
Mac howled in the distance….

all three burst into laughter
as Dot got up to go try
to sooth poor Macs
shattered nerves…

not only did the dog
never attempt this maneuver again,
but it also refused to ever
go back in the kitchen
for the rest of its
doggie life…

can’t blame him…